methinks i’ve now over-carted out slightly. i think the bill alone for tonight’s expenditure is about $180. i’m feeling a bit guilty, considering i’ve already overspent quite a bit this month

and i think i will be getting a few more

AHHHHHH IM SUCH A SPENDTHRIFT!

it all began with the results – i did not clear the biggest paper in the actuarial examinations this seating.

that paper meant a lot to me. at the bottom-line, it was a costly sum of $1,700 at stake. i could have easily taken that amount for another holiday and have surplus arising! the paper would have brought me to another level in my career –  a breakthrough in my salary growth, a demonstration of good progression, and an opportunity for consideration in the next promotion list coming soon. this paper would have been a ratifying testament to myself – to dispel the self doubt and inadequacy that creeps up ever so often in this line of work. this paper would have made me more steadfast in my  belief that i am indeed suited to be an actuary. this paper would have made my career choice justifiable in the face of criticisms and judgmental remarks from my other peers. this paper would have made me stand tall. this paper would have been a great confidence booster to my already battered self esteem, which was a result from fighting the endless battles, from actuarial itself.

and failing it, is everything not.

however, what really hit me the most wasn’t the failure itself – but an uprooting of a belief (or so i feel, in this point in time) that i held true ever since i believed.

pastor prince always preached that the lord wants to bless us abundantly. and the only thing we need to do is to open our arms and be willing to receive such goodness from the lord, and that must come with belief. in other words, the only thing we need to do, is to believe – to have faith that He is indeed the source of all goodness in this world, and that He will deliver you from all your needs – and not only will he do that – he will do so exceedingly.

throughout my study for the paper, i constantly spoke to the lord. i handed him my anxieties, my fears, my difficulties, in exchange for his wisdom, his discipline, his direction. i was the classic example of “I can’t, but the Lord can.” after all, i had a huge bout of inadequacy for anything actuarial and never really believed in myself in actuarial.

so i kept praying and sharing with the lord all the big or small things in my life. i really felt that he was accompanying me on this journey and was greatly relieved.

but on 23rd december, at a time so close to christmas, i woke up to see that my name was not on the boards.

it felt like i was dropped from a height into the coldness and darkness of the deep blue sea.

it made me question, why did the lord forsake me knowing that this paper would have improved my life greatly? what exactly was the lord trying to tell me? if he was telling me to leave the industry, why didn’t he do so at the last seating when my opportunity cost was much lower? the message would have been so clear cut. if he wanted me to leave, what does he want me to do? i don’t have the slightest inkling of what my next possible step could be if i were to leave actuarial. he knows that i don’t have that much transferrable skills out of the actuarial field. what else could i do for a living? what was the significance of the message at a time so close to christmas, a celebration of the birth of the lord?

the question keeps bouncing back and forth around in my head. i still can’t get an answer to why failing the paper would have been a blessing for me. i must admit that it has dampened my celebratory spirit in this festive season too. i just don’t understand.

to make matters worse, my mum jus couldn’t spare me a few of her scornful remarks with the failure. she said i had failed because i chose to believe in jesus and not  in buddhism. so serves me right, i deserved this downfall. such words are unpleasant to the ear, and not the least comforting in light of a failed exam. her message was clearly filled with religious bias, and the arrows were directed straight to my heart. i thought, this paper could have been a glorious statement to my family n in the name of God, but it didn’t happen. i thought the lord would have scored a victory in this uphill battle that i’m fighting against my family, but it didn’t happen.

if ur just wondering how my mum could be so insensitive, i’ll just have you know that this happens everyday, in every single conversation that we have with her. our exchanges are always dotted with dashes of sarcasm and scorn, and people just don’t like to hear such exceedingly harsh words, especially when the situation does not call for it. so i only have a superficial relationship with my mum. it is sad but true. i always wish for a better relationship with her, but somehow efforts have been futile. feedback always lead to quarrels.

it may be a little unfair to make this statement, but deep in my heart i know that i was never able to unleash my full potential, simply because my parents do not know how to be supportive parents.

it is regretful that this is so, and it only made me feel worse when i came across decatan’s blog a few days ago. in there he documented his trainings, his thoughts, what he gave up on his journey on becoming the best sportsman he can be etc. reading it put me to utter shame, as his courage and determination to pursue what he had set out to do despite the tough trainings, the disappointment of unrewarding results at competitions and the uncertainty of his future, among other obstacles that hindered, was a tight slap on my face.

on his last day in VJC, he gave me a photograph of him and I, on the back it was written, “Thank you for seeing what I have always wanted to say: Live your dreams, be Inspired and keep inspiring. Go inspire the rest. i’m sure you will.”

it struck strong resonance in my heart. there and then, an unspoken pact had formed between us inevitably, we knew in ourselves that we would do our best to stay true to this, and to stay true to ourselves. no matter how difficult, no matter what the outcome, we believed that as long as we lived each day with the pursuit of our dreams, we would be leading meaningful and fulfilled lives. financial success would come as a byproduct, and it comes only when u come to realize, that it was no longer as important as the worthiness of a dream itself.

having worked in the corporates for some time, i’m already looking at the above paragraph with cynicism. it sounds so naive and so simple minded that i can’t believe that i’m still writing such seemingly immature statements when i’m already expected to demonstrate a certain level of maturity at age 23. and that makes me so ashamed of myself – because deep down, i know no matter how picture perfect all of this seems, one thing that is fundamentally true regardless of level of maturity, is that nothing is as more worthy than a dream itself. clearly, over the years, i have faltered. i have been swept away and have become a slave to corporates. day in and day out i follow the motions of any other working class, all for a livelihood in this over-competitive country, all for the lack of courage to deviate from the tried and trodden path, for in this country, the consequences of failure are too much to bear.

it makes me sad that i have come to this stage, but i don’t know if i will have the courage to step out of this unfulfilling but seemingly financially rewarding life in this point in time.

as i read his blog, entry after entry, it never failed to command a certain level of respect in me to his commitment. imagine giving up a 6 digit figure salary for a shot at the olympics, and even though 4 years later you’re nowhere close, it sounds insane but at least you tried. nothing in this world could be more powerful than that. some may call it stupidity, but i was deeply moved by it. i guess its something that the non-advocates will never understand. each entry never failed to inspire me, because it made me reflect on my own life and made me feel like i wanted and needed to dream again. each entry never failed to ignite my admiration for him, for he never forgets his calling, despite this fast paced, hectic world that we live in.

we were close back then. it is painful to know that things will never be the same again.

ending this post with an excerpt from decatan that pulled at my heartstrings. the words that not every dreamer had dared to say.

~*~

“You see when I was younger, I had all these wonderful big dreams. Dreams that someday when I grew up, I’m going to do this and I’m going to be that.

And then I found myself suddenly all grown up and things didn’t exactly turn out the way I’d thought it would be. Years started to whiz by and you realise with every passing moment the sight of those dreams are constantly fading.

To be honest with you, when I first decided to come overseas to train and study, I planned that within 3 years I would get good enough at the sport that I could get sponsored and go professional for a year to train for the 2012 Olympics.

Things never do go according to plan and if you’ve been following my blog you’ll see that it has been a constant daily struggle. You get your good days and you get your bad days, but you get through them anyway.

It’s the end of that 3 years now and after a steady battle with injuries, incompetence and inexperience, I’m nowhere close to where I wanted I’d be.

I found out like so many others, that the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows…

…but I learnt to smile in the rain, take the hits, stand up and keep on going.

All these small daily struggles, leading up to the big moments that you train for, are usually the ones I find most difficult to get through. It’s never ending and there’s always things to overcome, things that go wrongly and things that get in your way.

I always thought that living the dream is about living in that moment when everything comes together and work out the way you wanted it to be, but then I realised through the years, it actually is the journey that makes the dream worthy. Because the destination will just be but a fleeting moment before your eyes, and it is the everlasting journey where you spend the most of your life in.

So don’t give up my friend and don’t let it keep you down too long either. Remember why you’re still running, why you enjoy running and why we still keep chasing our dreams. But most importantly, appreciate and enjoy today with all its struggles and imperfections, for all we know, we might not get tomorrow…“

~*~

]]> http://ivorycoasts.wordpress.com/2011/12/26/christmas-a-reminder-of-not-what-we-receive-as-gifts-but-of-what-we-have-already-been-given/feed/ 0 ivorycoasts http://ivorycoasts.wordpress.com/2011/12/04/inspirations/ http://ivorycoasts.wordpress.com/2011/12/04/inspirations/#comments Sun, 04 Dec 2011 16:51:32 +0000 ivorycoasts http://ivorycoasts.wordpress.com/?p=434 ]]> i know its a tad early to be contemplating what my CNY outfit is gonna be, but the seamstress needs time. blogshops haven’t been particularly satisfying in their recent collections (perhaps they haven’t started their CNY range) and my mum is already breathing down my neck to get my new year outfits, so yea i gotta start brainstorming.

i’m always picky with CNY outfits – they gotta be in the colors that my mum approves of and at the same time they gotta be in the colors that i like. that itself is a big feat because my mum only approves red, yellow, purple, orange, gold, and pink colors for the new year and i generally prefer corporate smart colors like black, navy, white and grey. thats like north and south pole altogether. t’s difficult, i know.

they better be functional for more than just CNY. that means, they better be good for work, for casual fridays, for dinners etc. i can’t stand seeing dresses stashed in one corner of my wardrobe waiting for the right occasion to be worn. they had better contribute to my sartorial needs occasionally enough.

that said, here are a few concepts – they may need little modifications here and there to be CNY appropriate.

the idea is that i can get a color appropriate minidress and a cardi over it would be good for going out days!

similarly i could throw on a blazer over a color appropriate tube dress to take me to work! heehee!

shorter one will definitely be good for spring!

love the prints, and still wondering how it could be incorporated into CNY. guess this is somehow better left for dinners and DND.

another dressy outfit, JUST NICE FOR XMAS!

i love travelling! it is the reason why i go to work everyday
goodbye taiwan, we’ll be back next year.

i confessed to lx that my weakest spot of all is for all things pretty so he better have a pocket deep enough to fund my indulgence. hehe. its my outage from work now so i’m going to be immersed fully in all things happy!

i’m still thinking if i should get this other bikini from VS cos lx says he likes it but there’s a pineapple print on it. like, PINEAPPLE!!! who appreciates a pineapple on a bikini?!?!?

get my point?

~*~

will blog about my adventures in taiwan in the next!

the one-sided conversation continued while i rolled my eyes on the other end. u know, i always thought that this was the dumbest question to ask. if i saw ur call, i would have picked it up. if i didn’t pick up, it means that i didn’t see ur call. it doesn’t take a genius to understand something like that, does it? to think u still vent ur apparent lack of understanding on an innocent party as if it was only rightful to do so.

the next line came from my father, showing his clear disappointment in my failure to get a mobile card, or whatever call card that allows me to make calls at a cheaper rate. honestly, all that trouble in finding an appropriate microsim call card for my iPhone (if it exists at all) and activating it, topping up etc in the middle of my holiday is a total mood spoiler. i feel that the costs incurred on these are not going to exceed the savings i get from the call card. i very much rather pay my telco for the convenience i get from my auto roaming. after all, auto roaming is free for me, i only need to pay relevant international charges. before i could explain myself, my dad reiterated his disappointment and handed my mum the phone. i didn’t get a chance to redeem myself.

my mum followed the condescending tone of my dad and interrogated me, “why didn’t you call back?!”

i thought that it was a stupid question again because i wouldn’t know how to answer. i mean, it just didn’t occur to me that i had to call back because i had been dropping smses to report on my safety everyday?!

there was another day that i dropped an sms saying that i went to visit a hot spring and that it was really very hot! i was expecting some kinda response like, “haha, was it fun?” but what i got in return was a disapproving grunt, followed by a scornful “you better be careful.”

…

it just felt like a whole bucket of cold water was poured onto me.

honestly, it ain’t so much of the words spoken, its the way that all of it was delivered: here i am, wanting to enjoy a well deserved holiday and getting all excited about the world right in front of me – and the failure to share such excitement and happiness is further exacerbated by unreasonable insecurities of parents – my spirits getting dampened by my very own parents who can’t understand, and don’t seem to understand the emotions and the circumstances that a normal, average twenty-odd is going through in this day and age.

i ask, what incentive do i have in communicating with them when the response i get is always some sort of a condemnation?

to each his own – a personal choice is one constrained by personal circumstance. what right does it give another to scorn and belittle the one who bravely stood up to take a road less travelled by?

and the one sentence tt triggered it all “ha why so jialat i wonder y u will choose this career path.”

… and it had to come from a good friend, one that i had truly admired.

in reply to this comment i fought fiercely to defend myself. i know this is inconsistent with the bias i always had against actuaries. but for dignity’s sake, this time, i will be objective and share with potential actuary-wannabes, how the life of an actuary is really like.

as an analyst, my daily work revolves around modifying some models, pressing the damned ‘Run’ button and interpret results. deadlines are never too tight, so i’m hardly stressed by them.

sometimes i have to reconcile some numbers, and if i don’t get it, my boss will come to my rescue. truth is, actuaries tend to be more introverted, more informal, and hence more family knit. political games are not our forte, so we’re pretty much free from it.

i am not expected to work grossly overtime.

my performance at work need not be on the ball all the time, i just need to be sure that i am passing my papers consistently and that will warrant me a pay increase.

good progress in actuarial papers justifies a promotion.

i take little business risk at work – i don’t make business decisions, and don’t have to take responsibility for them.

i don’t have to try to network with anyone to climb the ranks. i just need to care about my exams and the task at hand.

and yet for all the “seemingly” slack work above, i am still paid fairly well. at least i know that i am slightly better off than my peers.

to top it all up, you get to appear ‘cool’ and strike some ‘woahs’ when you say that you develop models everyday. some will feel that its nerdy, but they are precisely the ones who can’t.

in short, daily work is easy to manage. my career is mainly tied to 1 thing (at least for now) – examinations. i just have to manage this, and all else will be good. what’s there to dislike about this career?

be mindful that it is also examinations that will become the bane of your life. studying AND working is not fun at all. it’s energy sapping and it requires more than discipline in studying. you need to psyche yourself all the time that the seemingly impossible paper is indeed doable. you need to go through exam anxieties. and you need to have a deep pocket because each paper isn’t cheap. worst of all, its dead boring.

but well, that’s the reason why we’re paid well.

judgement? i have taken my stand.

a bat of the eyelid and 6 months have passed since my last post. honestly, i don’t know where i have disappeared to. i can’t recall any meaningful things that i’ve done and memory-worthy in the past 6 months to justify my disappearance.

we’re into the last month of the 3rd quarter and Q4 is coming all too soon. the year is coming to an end and again i try to look back and ask myself what i have accomplished in the previous year.

i don’t know.

i never felt that work was meaningful because i didn’t want to be an actuary. even though i developed models and launched difficult products, it didnt give me the kind of satisfaction that i wanted. i’m not proud to be an actuary. i’m just here for sustenance. it is also my line of defense for my lack of other transferrable skills.

i rmb that when i was younger i repeatedly told myself that i must never be one of the corporate rats, trapped in the entire system and forgetting their purpose in life. i must be true to myself in whatever i do. but now i see myself becoming one of those.

its 1.57am now and no progress on my studies. i should sleep.

but before i do, here are photos of our getaway at fullerton for lx’s birthday celebration.

fullerton: business class prevails.

pampers (eeyore) took up an entire luggage!!

goodbye fullerton, we will be back.

it was my first product launch and modelling a non-traditional product was somewhat difficult – it was almost equivalent to learning how to fly without learning how to walk. i daren’t say that i’ve got a flair for building models, but of all things corporate, this is perhaps my best bet in view of my obviously lacking skill set in the financial services industry.

every day i ask myself what is my next step going to be? and the process proves to be a mix of anticipation, frustration, apprehensiveness and wariness. there’s no concrete plan as of now, and it saddens me quite a bit.

a great deal of pictures to clear.

reunion dinner with maternal grandmother at wahlok carlton hotel. the food was quite awful.

visiting sentosa flowers

valentines day at valentino. food was passable and the place was kinda rowdy. didn’t really like it. the only saving grace was that i got to wear my favourite back crochet maxi out for the date love classy pieces!

lovely pressie tt i got for myself on vday lx gave me a pair of earrings which i find it difficult to snap a photo of. i gave him a pair of champagne glasses from precious moments too!

what’s next to look forward to?

other than the exams that i will have to brace myself up for, i’ve already booked a trip to china with jasmine to visit daf in may. another trip that is coming up is sydney in september. somehow i’m not very psyched up with these trips because they aren’t exactly the countries i’d like to be touring, and therefore the expenses that they chalk up makes me feel unjustified. it could have been belgium, praque, venice, paris, greece, italy… and even a trip in the future to brazil!!

in view of the upcoming trips i so wanted to get a bag that would be more travel friendly. my current coach bag below, though roomy enough to put a lot of things, is not so friendly in retrieving items from it. i usually carry it by my elbow, but if i’m travelling i should be carrying it by sling and it looks awful by sling. so, yea

i am thus contemplating if i should get a burberry nova check tote for travels even though it seems like the whole world has it.

my boss will kill me if he knows i’m doing these on my study leave.

its my first time into a full fledged musical. the 1.5hour long performance left me wanting to see more moves, more stunts, more hype and more love!

the plot was predictable, where it first took off with a whole lot of street dancers doing their break and pop, their music too loud and throbbing for the ballerinas practising upstairs. ballerinas decided to confront them and an exchange ensued. naturally, ballet was not one of the cooler styles and the streets made fun of their dance. the male lead joined in the streets performance and did an impressive stunt which caught the attention of the ballerina. he also tried to stop the rest of his guys from jeering. consequently, the ballerina gave up ballet and seeked acceptance into the breakers.

the result?

u prolly would have guessed it already, they were together! i love happy endings!

dashes of comic relief were also pumped into the plot. there was this little fatso who wore this polar bear furry coat and did his breaking in it. u could imagine how hilarious he looked. the performers also came down to the audience and hyped up the crowd in the midst of their dancing. i managed to hi-five 2 of the dancers!! WHEEE!! i totally support the foyer stall seats that i was seated at now – not too near to the action, but not too far from it either, and of course, the most value for money!!

all in all, the musical left me reminicising about my performing days in dhs. a performer lives for the applause of his audiences. it was heartwarming to see the smile on the performers faces when the applause resounded the theatre. i do miss performing a great deal, those were the days when dance built my confidence, when dance made me happy, and it was when i was truly happy.

after the musical, it was food time! we visited SPIZZA at club street again. i love this restaurant. the decor, the comfort, the ambience was just right. of all the italian restaurants i’ve been to, methinks that they’ve got the best pizzas on the pan

happiness is italian! yay!
the next exciting thing coming up will be our vday celebration next week! i promise i will have more pictures!